I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
