Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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