I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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