At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
