There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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