She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
