why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
