You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
