tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
