Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
