I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
