he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
