If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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