I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
