sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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