She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
