I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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