on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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