Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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