He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
