The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
