I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
