This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
