I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
