can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
