we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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