Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
