So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
