I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
