I think I won the penis lottery.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
