Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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