when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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