i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
