i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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