Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
