bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
