Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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