I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
