I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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