Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
