at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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