I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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