Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
