remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
