all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
