I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In America we eat man semen.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
