The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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