I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
