Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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