He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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