You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
