I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
