i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
