I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
