I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
